Ranting about loneliness and marriage

I know a lot of the new generation shy away from marriage. Seeing the older generation fight over divorce, lengthy process and the growing knowledge and fear that most relationship are not perfect and break up ls are a common occurance make it seem like a no brainer not to get married.
But for some women like me, it is still a longing dream. I've wanted a 'traditional' life. The american dream type of life where i meet a guy, we get married, buy a house, have kids, settle with a few dogs and cats and grow old together. New zealand, whilst its not well known, is the 3rd country in the OECD study to have single parents and nearly one out of four children we have have parents who have split. This statistics might not be fully accurate as i have occasionally seen cases where people lie for more benefit money, but we are also below average on marriage rates. With this culture, finding a man who wants to marry gets a bit more tricky. Usually, in other cultures, parents are eager to push their children onto marriage and we sometimes even see memes about parents asking their children when are they going to marry.
However, there's a bigger reason why i am unsuccessful in my endevours of marriage. I'm simply not mature enough to date a guy who wants to marry. My past 2 relationships were a total train wreck and the last one i had, i initially did not want to date the guy because he was basically a guy without a plan and just lived day by day at his parents place because he couldn't be bothered getting a better paid job. I loaned him a bunch of money for his training course and i'm never going to see that money again. But i stayed with him. He simply convinced me to because... well... we were both lonely. What was supposed to be a temporary fling, became long term. All because i basically gave into my loneliness and depression. This wasn't the first time i had a relationship with someone who basically isn't a husband material. The thing is, my interests are all immature, like playing games and watching anime for reality escape, and i don't have the heart to reject someone easily. Basically the first 'nice guy' who looks alright and who confesses his love for me, i'll fall hard for... it was one of the reasons why i looked into online dating more. Seeing what job the guy does or what kind of interest they have... i was basically hoping to reject the bad apples more easily.
But alas... here i am... i am now currently in a relationship with a guy who's not so interested in those things. He's a nice enough guy and tells me to ask him about these things in a few years, but my previous relationships are an all too powerful lesson and reminder that this... probably won't happen. My depression is getting worse and a part of me wants to give up. I'm trying my hardest to fight off the demon that tells me, 'i might as well just waste away my years and drink myself to death'. It's really just my depression talking, but reality that i need to give up something i have longed for just makes it all hard.

Spiderman preference

Spiderman is one of my favourite superheros along with hulk. I'm a nerdy awkward geek who likes science and i love the idea of science helping the superhero shinanigans.

Marvel has made several remakes of spiderman movies and each seemed to have a different take on the character. Rightfully so since the comic itself which orignated in 1962 took several different origin stories and takes in different universes. I haven't read any of the comics and only watched a couple of the original cartoon so my review will definitely be biased.

Tom Holland is wildly known to follow the original character profile with a modern twist the best and his age and setting seems to be a factor in that. I loved the homecoming movie. It was filled with action, comedy and showed a great portrayal of spiderman dealing with his teenage problems. He had his charms that engaged the audience and i loved how his love interest was not the ditsy portrayed Maryjane.
But despite all this, my favourite spiderman was Tobey Maguire. I'm not even going to mention Andrew garfield, even though he did a pretty good job for his own spiderman universe. It's simply because of a very biased reason. His age. Toby's Peter started off as a university student juggling 2 jobs, one of being spiderman and the other of being a news paper photographer. If i was a teen, i know i would've loved Tom's spiderman better, but oh boy, Toby's spiderman felt real. His struggles resonated with mine. Juggling work and.. well.. depression in my case, and trying to stay afloat on all the bills, love life and friendship... i lived them all. Even the venom movie where Peter just gave up being spiderman and lived life reminded me of when i just gave up. His character was also in someway, more awkward and i loved it. He was the hero that represented us, the low life, awkward and weird people. Tom's character was seemingly meant to be awkward, but he had friends, a social life and in that circle he was normal, fitted in fine. He wasn't weirdly bullied, shunned out or put in a little bubble of his own thoughts, he had friends to excite with and talk with. The thing is, when we look at superheros we always try to see a little bit of us in them. To know that we can be at least a little bit like them. To be heros of ourselves and others. I tell myself to stay strong, smile, be nice and not kill myself because someone needs me. I get encouraged seeing that in superheros. They sacrifice their own lives to save another. I... i know it was definitely there for Tom's spiderman, but the introduction of his character was poor and i felt little of that. From the beginning it made it seem like he was more interested in saving people to be cool and be a part of the avengers. His whole goal throughout the movie was focused on him trying to get Tony Stark to include him in avengers for some larger gigs. Toby's spiderman was more self sacrificing. He had a job, university work and social life to maintain. But he took on a role to use his powers for good. I really liked that about Toby's spidy.

It was also nice how his character build up wasnt as sudden. I understand that in order to include spiderman in the new movies, his introduction had to be quick. His back story wasn't introduced properly and he had less character build up than Toby's. We never saw his uncle being killed because he acted selfish and we never saw why he built his persona. It all just made the character more unrelateable. I felt like i was watching just some bratty attention seeking teen who wanted to be in avengers because it was cool.

All in all, all spiderman takes were great. My preference of Toby is biased and i know it. But i do hope the next spiderman movie will include a lot more real life dilemas that the cartoon spiderman had the Homecoming movie